Tuesday, October 31, 2006

finally i moved.

because of some certain incidents, and some bloody morons and assholes. i think its better to lock my diary cause i don't like to backstab people in the public. oh well.

but i will still continue to blog here though, time to time. since what i write in the other blog is to bitch about people i dont like. yeah, so i;ll still update here. if the links arent updated, i apologize. because normally when i change my blog, i use my older template and links. sorry bout that but i will change it asap when i get back to sd.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

totally.

me and you,

almost totaled.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by'

Cause you know

I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

Tonight

well i dont really walk. i drive, but its bad enough. for love. (:

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

im back from my 1000 miles journey, in a few days time. im gonna go for a 1000 mile journey again, for you, for your smile, for our happiness, and for love. and maybe, for death too.

i just got a speeding ticket that pisses me off. i hate to drive, i wished i had a supermarket below me and i could just live my life like this. i would be so happy, perhaps. but a car is a necessity in america since now that i have a girlfriend i cant bring her anywhere without a car. its reality, though people say you can have a girlfriend without a car.

come to think about it, in dvc which couple does not own a car.

im seriously dead broke, like dead broke. broke to the extent i wanna go work under the hot sun. but my current schedule doesnt allow me to do that. everything in a life is a trade off. sometimes when you think that you won something, the fact is that the moment you won, is the moment you lost. people don't realize it. they think they win and they feel like they are on top of the world, but they just fail to see what is around them.

let me tell this to everyone who is reading my blog. including you, and you and you.

" i wished i can have the old you back"

common mistake .

the best reply i ever heard was...

"you took me for granted last time so now i changed"

that line just got stuck in my mind after talking to someone. that that line is pretty true in most cases. so people, dont take things for granted. don't see what you have now. see your past, do something in the present, change your future 180 degree.

before its too late, learn to respect, love and hate.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

when all of a sudden reality hits you right in your face all of a sudden, especially when you let your guard down. it hurts.

selfishness is one irritating strong characteristic that will kill someone, or bring the person to a higher ground. perhaps in this century, being not selfish is just a plain dumb ideal that people had in mind.

yeah just dumb.

social status may not be important to anyone. peer pressure might not seem so powerful in the eyes of others. in the eyes of others, people who went to jail are like "bad" people. but who would have the time or bother to hear their story.

if a student from a 3rd rated school and a student from a 1st rated school fought. without question, the student from the 3rd rated school would be blamed. this is how bad the society would get.

ok, none of my business. i got no idea what im talking about either. im tired, and i just hope i meet the god of fortune and wealth so that he will give me some guidance.

reality1: without money, you're nothing.
reality2: without looks, you're something weird.
reality3: without pride, you're worse than a dog.
reality4: without love, you will still be ableto survive if you don't go through reality 1-3.
reality5: reality 1-4 happens, as a combination or as a pile of shit that ascend from hell.

reality: life's a mess.

Friday, October 20, 2006

4.41 am.

i'm feeling disappointed.

4.42 am.

i feel even more disappointed.

4.43am.

disappointment hurts.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

incoherent with dolefulness.

i hate it and i can never tell you why.

life is garbage, all fucked up.

3.47am, oct19.

thus at 11am, oct19.

an invalid reason will provided for skipping school.

******
DELETED 6/24 oct19th.

diarylandusers.. please read there.

**
forget it, i just deleted the entry.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

hi folks.
hi bloggers.
hi darwin.

its time for me to rant again.

i just ate 2 packs of noodles that made me feel so bloated. thought i could skip meals but it turns out that wouldnt be the way. missed school cause i was too tired, didnt wanna go school but i went only in the afternoon to try to study.

efforts in vain, my mind is just elsewhere. not in school, not at home. i have finally achieve the stoning stage in my life. went to discussion, studied a bit more in the library and went home from school with lydia.

tried to study math, but apparently it failed again.

**

sometimes i just think i lost the talent to read through people's mind, or the very least to give comfort to those that i cared for. sometimes, unknowingly the comfort that i gave them, you, became thorns that inflicted them pain. its getting harder and harder to breathe, because you dont know what to do and it just feels like you're sinking in the quicksand and waiting for someone to pull you up. the closest experience i had with them is probably now, or in my dreams where you just feel like dying but you wouldnt want to. dying a slow way is painful, living a life that is empty is just plain dumb.

sometimes i feel that i can't do my best out there for people and myself because im afraid of falling. im satisfied with being the 2nd or the 3rd, because it keeps up the competition, or shud i say im scared of falling from the top. complacency, arrogance will ultimately bring anyone down even if they are talented. pride and ego gets you no where but thats the basic characteristic that everyone must have to be called a normal human. sanity, priceless.

i want to change, but everytime i change people change faster than i could i just dont know where to start or stop. i rather be in a situation where nature takes control of everything, just like puberty. like how girls grew boobs and guys got grew hair.

forget it, im just sprouting nonsense because i been affected with some dumb diseases.

12.12am, life will be better tomorrow, hopefully its because of *you.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

CHEER UP DARWIN (:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.

-tooth

this entry is suppose to be a happier entry as compared to the previous one. untill, tissue got stucked in the toilet bowl and i had to drive out to get a pump. today, i got cheated off. my ramen came without the charsiew, thats ...

haii.

forget it i cant even write an angry entry. i dont even know i wrote so many entries in a day.

i guess i'll just rant about my life again.

i realized that im pretty much a very curious person, i dont know why but perhaps its because i always wanted to take the centerstage of everything, i ended up suffering trying to do that. the harder i try, the harder i fall. yet, i still try darn hard to climb even though i know i will fall. curiousity always killed me, totally. my life is still upside down because its the choices i make in life that made it that way.

when two different personality, two different world merges. or worse still in a situation that when the other one tries to absorb the latter, everything can just go wrong. its pretty weird in life, knowing that what you want is what you can never get. what you want to know in life, it always turns out to be something unpleasant. but people like me who has been pricked and poked and hurt, is still willing to try again and again. i guess its just human nature that people are like me are like this.

they always said, life is a matter of choices. decision that you make now would change many things in the future. people look front, while i look back. while looking back, i incidentally missed out so many things. sometimes i feel that ranting just isnt the solution to my problems, even my blog and its readers would perhaps be exhausted. solving the problem isnt another option either.

i kinda miss the rain now, thanks to the rain my head is spinning badly and i left my medicine in the car. hopefully, nothing bad comes out of it. the rain, definitely made me feel a little better ( not physically ). how i wished i can hear the sound of the rain again.

bang.

im dead.

today was just another so so day in my life. that i practically did nothing again. sometimes when my surrounding is too quiet, i feel like that i just have the world by my own. my own room, my own computer, my own selections of music, my cellphone, and myself. it feels like the streets are empty, people just become invisible to me, as if their existence just disappeared. i remembered how i always wanted to be a loner my whole life, now that i am, i cant wait for this kinda life to be over.

its perhaps then i think i left myself somewhere out there.

today my roommate asked me out for movies. initially i said first, then i declined. tomorrow there's a barbeque where i can meet people again. i declined. i have midterms on monday, and coming wednesday. but that isnt the reason why i'm not going. or maybe, i should say i can't find the reason to go anymore. i just want to come home, log on to the computer and chat with the people that i feel familiar with. sms, and call and hear the voices that i used to hear.i don't know what gotten into me lately, i never felt so hard before trying to adapt to a surrounding.

i came home and secretly went out alone. it started raining.

when the rain come, i felt kind of relieved. i don't know why but the smell of rain just made me feel better. i drove in the rain, went to shop and came back. went to the roof top, sat in my car and watched how the rain fall on the windshield. i'll wipe it with the wiper and then the little water droplets will just fade away from the windshield. came out of the car, and looked far away. no idea why, but it just felt good getting drenched.

there just isn't any explanation for anything, there isn't any conclusion either.

i just need to try

again and again.

ultimately, the problem lies within me, im just not willing to accept what im having now, a life without you.

i just wish for days to go by, till i can go back again. maybe one day my effort would be futile, maybe i lived my life in vain. but maybe, waiting for something that you always wanted had never been that rewarding before. look forward, is the only choice i have now. time, has turns its back on me and started ripping my life apart.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

thanks, for the memories.

thanks for walking with me.

i made this template, because i kept thinking about the life i could not get over with. i really appreciate it.... really. thanks people. for being there when i needed you, for having a listening ear for me to rant, and grumble, to seek advices, to have a shoulder that i could lean on. thanks. really......perhaps its now that i realized how important you guys were. thanks.

those who have access to diaryland, yeaps.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

hi tooth!
well, seems like the site is down forever. i dont know how to fix that stupid website! aah.

so anyway. last week was really shitty. my girlfriend went back to pleasant hill on monday, so basically i skipped the class on that day. i should say, i skipped my monday, wednesday, friday lecture. thats like kinda crazy, because i think its just plain stupidity for me to do that.
well university lecture is really tough, and i think i really went overboard this time doing all these.

i do think that my actions will have a very big effect, and impact in my academic studies which i think its so - oh - im SO SO SO DEAD. skipping class makes me feel paranoid.

many things in my mind lately, yeah mostly thanks to my girlfriend and the

tritagonist.

well, thanks to that tritagonist, my life has been constantly being screwed up. even in dreams, i even often dream of such dumb events. ah it just making my blood boil, sometimes i just cant help but to feel like start killing people. im glad i feel better now, but not any better. i still think life sucks for now because i dont get what i want and be where i want to be.

so basically last week i skipped class and then i drove myself back to pleasant hill again. so i drove to pleasant hill after dropping my friend in LA, and afterwards i drove like 5 and a half hour straight without resting to pleasant hill just to meet up with my girlfriend. went out for the weekend too, with my old time buddies that were drom DVC. feels good to see them, and afterall bay area is a nice place to stay just that there isnt much attractions. the thing about SF, it just makes me feel like sleeping there cause the weather is nice. but when it comes to weekend, its just another plain boring city because there isnt anything that you can do at all, its not so happening but its just nice to be there. ok im biased because stella is staying there. and the worse thing is that kenardi my friend asked me whether i want to go back to sf again. seems like every weekend i must go back there. sometimes i wonder if thats the only choice because i just get the feeling that my girlfriend is just way too lazy to even visit me, or rather she hates to visit me cause its oh so - san diego. well well.

so that weekend, we basically quarrelled again, and the main cause is still that tritagonist. sad to say, but it always happen and its always about him. sometimes how i wish i could just grind him to flour and just blow him away from my palms. too bad hes under major protection from my girlfriend cause hes my girlfriend's friend so i have no choice but to give him a little respect. i just hope things will get better and i pray and pray that the tritangonist will actually stop going near my girlfriend. he has a very very history to start with.

seems like between me, stella and the tritagonist... more shits will come. i do think that the situation is pretty shitty, and this "play" has gone too far. aiks, my heart is aching again.

sometimes i wonder why instead of studying, i just bombard myself with STUPID problems like the one i mentioned above and get myself so angry for nothing when i CANT DO nothing. i feel pretty useless as a boyfriend at times for not being able to control or take charge of the relationship. ok i should just save myself some pride and stop mocking at myself for a moment.

right now i just want to study, but its just so hard to get the mood. at least i know in san diego, theres someone who at least share the same thoughts as me. my new found friend! maybe i will hang out with my new found friend more, since its nice to hang out with my new found friend. i could kil sometimes and get to learn more about how to survive with this kinda mentality... oh wait. i forget, i dont think there is anyone who has the same mentality like me. as stupid as to priortise my relationship first... everyone says im mad and crazy. some calls me dumb, inhumane and lots of crappy remarks.

i should try to reflect on my actions, in order to keep my sanity which i do think it will eventually fail. self discipline as a way to keep myself normal is kinda impossible.

you know tooth, i was wondering if ego and pride does matter to someone. i think im dying without this 2 thing in me. i feel, enslaved. tootth! how now! man sometimes i wished you could just educated me more about things i dont understand but you know in the end, i will still be the same. but i just want to listen to your opinion, but i just get the feeling you will say something damn crappy to make me feel crappy. get the idea? i guess you do.

i just want to be normal for now, so that i can be the old darwin. i wished i can put more effort into the things that i MUST, instead of the thing that i love. sometimes life is about a matter of choice. to balance something out in life, is not achieving its maximum potential. to have the best of both world, means you are not sacrificing the other option to make the other option better. well i learnt that in economics.

i really do think that my limit is coming near, i really really really really dont want anything bad and stupid to happen. oh well. i should just go get some pills and get myself to sleep than to get myself so depressed over some stupid shits and and stupid retard that i couldnt even handle. man i still feeel kinda useless.

i should seek help from my new found friend,
or i should seek joy from my new found friend.

in either way, its entirely my fault that im unable to balance my life well, to focus what i should and to do my obiligation as i was told. i think perhaps i should just forget about the past and look forward in living a healthier life.

or i should just go proceed to

option B. which basically is... well. hahahahahahaha, its either i die or you die.

i still love you my friends out there.

:ewen, i really hope things will be fine for you. yepaps, i call you soon i promise.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

when my facade falls off, it will be the end.

so just watch out.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

yesterday... she called.
i can slowly feel that, my life is going from good to bad, bad to worse.. slowly deterioating every single second as time ticks away.

i have missed 5 classes in total for this week, 2 math 3 econs. unforseen circumstances made it that way. i doubt i will be able to pick up the book and study again. all i want to do now is to run away from every single problem that i have in my life. run and run, far enough till they cant reach me. that is perhaps why people commit suicide, people want to die cause heaven and hell is a place where nothing could reach them.

too bad commiting suicide doesnt look like a good option for me, for i know my death will bring pain to the people around me. so for now i'll just run and run, till i banged into someone who will be there to protect me and kiss my problems away. number 1 candidate, would be god. but it seems like i can never reach to that bugger who is dressed in white.

life right now is still a mess. forever a mess. i enjoyed my last weekend, and this week i have to suffer and pay for the weekend that i enjoyed. trade off is what they call it, but i guess it was worth it. right now what i need is a new goal and purpose in life, to pursue a new dream. a new motivation and a new insight, to live a normal life like how every one does. start by learning how to be a little smarter, stop being so emotional and be more rational. start to think for myself, and my parents. despite saying all this, can i still change my self. i do think that maybe this is the time to start tieing my heart to my own ribcage to prevent it from floating away, and glue my own brain to my skull and set my eyes on the thing that is ahead of me, but not the future.

maybe im the one who was always running way. after realizing things, i just put my history and past behind into the back of my brains. i can feel that im not really the darwin i know 1 or 2 years back. like what tooth had said, maybe america has done much harm to me. i live my life like trash, filter what i want to see, hear what i want to hear, blending into a society and group of people that i was never meant to be part of.

i'm sorry mom.
maybe you were right.
i should say, you were always right about me.

sometimes i think i just try to hard to grow up fast, sometimes i think i try to hard to be someone who i am not. perhaps being paranoid and a total asshole is just part of me that cant change me. im sorry mom.